Much Obliged

It occurs to me that a lots of time and hard feelings seem to wasted on interactions based in assumptive obligation.  If I, then you....  I ought... I really don't want to but....   A lot of politeness is based in these thoughts and I am delighted by a decent level of deference to the feelings of others; it's nice to chew with your mouth closed, and flush the toilet, wear deodorant, not talk about differences of opinion in a condescending or degrading manner.  However do I need to order steak when I want salmon, so that you can have crab and steak, since we can share?  Does a spouse need to go to an opera he hates just because his wife loves it or vice versa?  Does a mother have to do laundry? (and yes that is still a question).

If we engage in activities, from trivially to seriously unwelcome in our lives, because we ought, are we subliminally keeping a tally sheet? Do we really need to do these activities? Are we doing them for us or for others, or a combination of the two, with that chart in our heads of who gives the most? Is that the point of deferential interaction? Are we keeping score to judge our worth and theirs? Can we help ourselves; really?

I think it is in the nature of human beings to give to one another, but order to give, someone has to take.  I was speaking to an Episcopal Priest years ago and he described an ongoing problem with the ritual foot washing that takes place on Maundy Thursday (The day before Good Friday); the foot washing precedes an all night prayer vigil.  The church never had a problem making sure that someone was there to pray all night even through four, five and six AM, but to get anyone to allow their feet to be washed was very challenging, and ideally they wanted many people.  Every year it was a problem; no one wanted to be the recipient of care.  They would neither bare their feet nor expose themselves to a gift, even though this gift was a critical, symbolic part of a religious service, in a church where they were active and dedicated members.  Eventually someone would uncomfortably give in, out of obligation.

So where does the burden and grace of obligation lead us?  If we act in order to avoid being on the short side of a virtual score card are we being good people?  Does that score card account for human decency? Is obligation, in all of its' pros and cons, the backbones of human social interaction?  Is there room for joy in obligation?  I certainly hope so.