I Don't Know What To Do.

Sometimes I get so mad I do not know what to do; literally.

I was about to say what I would like to do were I raised differently or were I not afraid of the consequences of my actions, but in fact that is not what truly stops me.  It is lack of knowledge of what could possibly bring satisfaction in the moment or span of rage.

Dissatisfaction is my primary source of anger, whether it is with myself or with others, I am not getting what I want need, expect, deserve....what ever thought or word comes to mind.  Often rage comes from several of these ideas, piled like wobbly blocks atop one another, until the Yertle the Turtle of my zen ego comes tumbling down from the wonderful view, to fall deeply into a muddy, blinding, abyss of rage, outrage and funk  - not the "good" kind (lots of disco on the radio today). (Yes, I still use FM radio in my car).

This evening the tipping point was an urgent order for a replacement cord for my computer science major son's laptop; I paid extra for overnight shipping. (We just replaced it in January and it broke already, returning that one was going to be tomorrow's problem).  I got an e-mail five hours after placing the order, that it was winging its' way to me in Pennsylvania.  My son is in college in TENNESSEE!

I managed to calmly use my rage to wangle a phone call out of Amazon and it will get to him two days from now.  Fab. I did everything right for him to have it tomorrow.  There is nothing I can do. There is often nothing I can do about stuff that happens.  The cycle of misplaced trust and impotence is exhausting. I will not touch upon the powerlessness that keeping up with the news imparts.

The firewood we bought in January, nice seasoned firewood, would not burn this evening; it was actually weeping water out the side of each log.  How do I know?  I could hold the sides of the log they were so water cooled, and my hands got wet, actually wet.  Perhaps though,  if I touch them right now, they would ignite.

Maybe I should settle into watching a pleasant little movie on my kindle (Fire) to help me sleep tonight like Rambo; yes that might just be the ticket.